Hedonia

Kitchen essentials: Popeners

If you're crafty, you can open a bottle of beer with pretty much anything. But if you want your beer to have that extra sparkle, that certain divine touch, then there is no substitute for a Popener. Now, I'm not a religious man, but I do have a deeply entrenched and very well developed sense of kitsch and irony. And bottle openers with the likeness of the Holy See fit very well into those sensibilities.

Yes, we have two, and no, you cannot have one. Both are emblazoned with the late JP2's face, and one commemorates Jubilee 2000. We as yet do not have one with Ratzi the Nazi on the front. But it's only a matter of time!

Shopping for souvenirs at the Vatican is the penultimate kitsch experience; the only thing that could surpass it is if they had a second-hand shop in the back. The first time we were there, we were perusing the mind-boggling array of rosaries, icons, charms and what have you. Beside us, this American harpy woman was yelling -- yelling -- at the poor mousy nun behind the counter (yes, the gift shops are entirely staffed with nuns), brandishing some piece of bric-a-brac and demanding, "How much does this cost? No, in American dollars!" Now, as I say, I'm not religious, but as far as I'm concerned, it's bad karma to yell at nuns. This was pre-Euro, and the exchange was roughly 2,000 lire to the dollar. OK, I know that's a lot of zeros, but it's still basically grade-school math. DPaul snarled at her, "It's ten bucks. It's not that hard." As we left, I suggested he should have told her it was like a buck, and encouraged her to buy ten.

Speaking of buying in bulk, this was one of the things that we knew was perfect gift material right out of the gate, and did buy several. Still, in retrospect, we should have bought about 50, cuz everyone wants one. Guess we'll just have to go back ...

Kitchen essentials: Wooden spatula

Wow, you're saying, he's really scraping the barrel now. But hear me out: Even the lowliest tools are worthy of exultation. Case in point, the wooden spatula. Now, it doesn't matter that I have something like 12 other spatulas and spoons with silicon heads, all in perfect condition and in lovely, jewel-like tones. I have tongs and whisks, but do I use any of them? No, without fail, this is the one utensil I reach for every single time, no matter what the task. The proof is in the picture. Look closely, and you'll see that over the years (and I really have no idea how many years I have had this exact spatula) I have managed to wear down at least a good half inch from the front end of this thing. But hey, it's fiber, right?

We all have our favorite tools, our security blankets. What's yours?

Kitchen essentials: Cuisinart food processor

Back when we lived on Dolores Street, in a building that's not even as old as the one we're in now, we had neither adequate counter space nor, more importantly, sufficient electrical oomph to power kitchen appliances. Or, for that matter, more than one anything. Vacuum or microwave -- pick one!

Now, however, we are blessed with both a quarter-mile of granite counter and enough electricity to power a small third-world nation. And so we've become regular appliance whores, starting with our beloved Francis Francis X5.

The most recent addition is the Cuisinart 11-cup food processor in, of course, red. Now, while it's true we lived happily for 11 years in our previous place -- and I managed to stick out well over 30 years overall -- without one, I no longer care to  remember how. With this, I handily make salsas, batters (such as for crèpes or clafoutis), tapenades and of course bread crumbs.

As with many appliances, there is exactly one brand to go with, and with food processors it is Cuisinart and only Cuisinart. Accept no imitations! Now, I normally am a proponent of getting the top-of-the-line model of anything. But as our 11-cup barely clears under our cabinets, the 14-cup model would probably have been overkill. I have yet to overreach capacity on this model.

Kitchen essentials: Francis Francis X5

Well, maybe it's not essential to every kitchen, but it's definitely ensconced itself as a fixture in ours. DPaul and I acquired the taste for seriously strong espresso during our sojourns to Italy. Making our morning espresso was one of the first things we did to Italianize our life, figuring it was easier and cheaper than trying to expatriate there. To this day, each morning we enjoy two shots (three on the weekends) while watching the morning unfold over the bay and planes take off from Oakland airport. Not a bad way to get the day started.

At first, we were using a stovetop model, which gave serviceably good strong brew, but lacked the satisfying crema on top. About two years ago, we enrolled in the Illy@Home program. We get our coffee shipped to us directly at slightly less than what it costs on the shelf, about $11 a can (shipping is free). But the best part was getting one of these puppies for about $250, a major savings considering it retails at $690. It comes in a rainbow of cool colors, but ours is of course red -- just like our Le Creuset pots, our Cuisinart and our KitchenAid.

The machine comes with a few different baskets -- one for a single shot, one for a double and one for the pods. The pods, frankly, I can take or leave. I find the flavor to be a bit dull and stale, and the resulting coffee to be watery. Plus, you have no control over how strong you can make it. It's best to use the double and make two cups at a time.

For best results, first run hot water through the basket and into two espresso cups. Set the cups aside. Remove basket; discard any excess water that comes out. (We always keep an extra espresso can top for to catch drips.) Pack two even scoopfuls of fine grind dark roast coffee into the basket, tamp down firmly with the tamper, and leave the head of the tamper in the basket. Insert the basket into its gasket (the basket gasket?) and turn as tight as you can. Discard the hot water from the cups and set them under the nozzles of the basket. Pop out the bottom button for a few seconds, to get the water really screaming hot, then set it back in again. Pop out the top button to begin running steam through the grounds. Just as the first water begins to come through, tighten the basket even more. The tighter the coffee is packed, the more crema you will get. Run until cups are just over half full. The crema should be about 1/8" thick and a rich golden brown color. If you've done it just right, a teaspoon of sugar will rest atop the crema for about six seconds, then gently sink, one end first, like a sugary Titanic.

We're not yet greatly experienced in making cappucinos or lattes. Neither of us is big on the milky drinks. But the few attempts we've made have yielded at least decent macchiatos. Perhaps some day we will be able to make those pretty coffee-colored Rococo leaves on top of the foam. But for today, I'll enjoy our morning shots.

Kitchen essentials: Le Creuset

Thank heavens I was watching my RSS reader in time to see Simply Recipes' alert yesterday for a 7-piece Le Creuset set for a mere $239. Considering each of the pans in the set retail for $100 and up, and the combined set went for $550 before the sale, we couldn't resist. Good thing we acted fast, too, because that set is now no longer available. Early bird gets the worm! Amusingly, they also threw in a bonus gift -- a 4-1/2" pumpkin casserole.

We already have one red Le Creuset Dutch oven, and love it to death. The enameled cast iron makes it great for braising and frying, and it cleans up a dream. These pieces should round out our collection and complement our All-Clad MC2 pans nicely.

The Dutch oven will be a redundancy, though, and we do have limited space in the kitchen. Which lucky friend will inherit a new, shiny red Le Creuset pot?

Kitchen essentials: Benriner vegetable slicer

I'm pretty good with a knife. I have no problem with slicing things by hand. But if you want extreme precision, or just have a heck of a lot of things to slice, gotta get your hands on one of these low-budget slicers. Sure, you can go to Williams-Sonoma and drop upwards of $200 on a highfalutin' mandoline. Or, you could spend a mere $45 or so and get this cheap -- but effective -- Japanese alternative.

I first learned of the Benriner well over a decade ago, watching the original Iron Chef (back in the day when we had subtitles). Back then, you had to go to specialty restaurant supply stores or kitchenware stores in Japantown or the Richmond to find one, but nowadays you can pick these puppies up all over, even at Target.

So for gratins, tarts and fancy salads, the Benriner is my best friend. You can slice your way through mountains of potatoes, apples and onions in mere seconds, and with amazing precision. (Oh, but do yourself a favor and use the hand guard! I've shaved off the façades of my knuckles more times than I can reckon.)