Hedonia

Kitchen essentials: Popeners

If you're crafty, you can open a bottle of beer with pretty much anything. But if you want your beer to have that extra sparkle, that certain divine touch, then there is no substitute for a Popener. Now, I'm not a religious man, but I do have a deeply entrenched and very well developed sense of kitsch and irony. And bottle openers with the likeness of the Holy See fit very well into those sensibilities.

Yes, we have two, and no, you cannot have one. Both are emblazoned with the late JP2's face, and one commemorates Jubilee 2000. We as yet do not have one with Ratzi the Nazi on the front. But it's only a matter of time!

Shopping for souvenirs at the Vatican is the penultimate kitsch experience; the only thing that could surpass it is if they had a second-hand shop in the back. The first time we were there, we were perusing the mind-boggling array of rosaries, icons, charms and what have you. Beside us, this American harpy woman was yelling -- yelling -- at the poor mousy nun behind the counter (yes, the gift shops are entirely staffed with nuns), brandishing some piece of bric-a-brac and demanding, "How much does this cost? No, in American dollars!" Now, as I say, I'm not religious, but as far as I'm concerned, it's bad karma to yell at nuns. This was pre-Euro, and the exchange was roughly 2,000 lire to the dollar. OK, I know that's a lot of zeros, but it's still basically grade-school math. DPaul snarled at her, "It's ten bucks. It's not that hard." As we left, I suggested he should have told her it was like a buck, and encouraged her to buy ten.

Speaking of buying in bulk, this was one of the things that we knew was perfect gift material right out of the gate, and did buy several. Still, in retrospect, we should have bought about 50, cuz everyone wants one. Guess we'll just have to go back ...

The Zojirushi equation

DPaul and I have both always admired the way the Japanese  take charming selections of food in a portable bento box for lunches. It appeals to many of our tastes: Grazing of small amounts of diverse things; contrast of flavors, textures and colors; overall cuteness. So DPaul finally broke down and ordered a Zojirushi Mr. Bento lunchbox. Now the fun begins.

Much like Shmoo's lunchbox, this creature demands very controlled amounts of food composed neatly and efficiently. It's all just so Japanese. The main container, which is thermal, contains four stackable smaller containers -- 15.2, 10.1, 9.5, and 6.8 ounces. The lowest is designed for soups, and the others are more free-form.

By all reports, the trick with this lunchbox is to go either all hot or all cold. If you have hot soup in the bottom and chilled salad in the top, the salad will warm up by the time you have lunch, and the soup will lose some heat. Luckily all the containers are nukable, so you could just take everything cold or lukewarm.

But this is not how we are accustomed to thinking about lunch. For the first time, we will have to be thinking about cooking a multitude of things expressly for the composition of a multifaceted and satisfying lunch. The lunchbox is like a puzzle, and my first impression is that a certain equation should be followed for optimal results:

Top layer: Pickles, fruit or dessert
Second layer: Salad or steamed veggies for side
Third layer (largest container): Staple with meats/veggies, e.g., curry over rice, paella or even pasta salad.
Bottom layer: Soups, possibly some kind of sauce.

The Mr. Bento comes with a convenient carrying tote as well as an adorable set of chopsticks in a little container that slips into a discreet little sleeve inside the tote. We begin experimenting with it tomorrow. Stay tuned for future updates.

Kitchen essentials: Wooden spatula

Wow, you're saying, he's really scraping the barrel now. But hear me out: Even the lowliest tools are worthy of exultation. Case in point, the wooden spatula. Now, it doesn't matter that I have something like 12 other spatulas and spoons with silicon heads, all in perfect condition and in lovely, jewel-like tones. I have tongs and whisks, but do I use any of them? No, without fail, this is the one utensil I reach for every single time, no matter what the task. The proof is in the picture. Look closely, and you'll see that over the years (and I really have no idea how many years I have had this exact spatula) I have managed to wear down at least a good half inch from the front end of this thing. But hey, it's fiber, right?

We all have our favorite tools, our security blankets. What's yours?

Kitchen essentials: Francis Francis X5

Well, maybe it's not essential to every kitchen, but it's definitely ensconced itself as a fixture in ours. DPaul and I acquired the taste for seriously strong espresso during our sojourns to Italy. Making our morning espresso was one of the first things we did to Italianize our life, figuring it was easier and cheaper than trying to expatriate there. To this day, each morning we enjoy two shots (three on the weekends) while watching the morning unfold over the bay and planes take off from Oakland airport. Not a bad way to get the day started.

At first, we were using a stovetop model, which gave serviceably good strong brew, but lacked the satisfying crema on top. About two years ago, we enrolled in the Illy@Home program. We get our coffee shipped to us directly at slightly less than what it costs on the shelf, about $11 a can (shipping is free). But the best part was getting one of these puppies for about $250, a major savings considering it retails at $690. It comes in a rainbow of cool colors, but ours is of course red -- just like our Le Creuset pots, our Cuisinart and our KitchenAid.

The machine comes with a few different baskets -- one for a single shot, one for a double and one for the pods. The pods, frankly, I can take or leave. I find the flavor to be a bit dull and stale, and the resulting coffee to be watery. Plus, you have no control over how strong you can make it. It's best to use the double and make two cups at a time.

For best results, first run hot water through the basket and into two espresso cups. Set the cups aside. Remove basket; discard any excess water that comes out. (We always keep an extra espresso can top for to catch drips.) Pack two even scoopfuls of fine grind dark roast coffee into the basket, tamp down firmly with the tamper, and leave the head of the tamper in the basket. Insert the basket into its gasket (the basket gasket?) and turn as tight as you can. Discard the hot water from the cups and set them under the nozzles of the basket. Pop out the bottom button for a few seconds, to get the water really screaming hot, then set it back in again. Pop out the top button to begin running steam through the grounds. Just as the first water begins to come through, tighten the basket even more. The tighter the coffee is packed, the more crema you will get. Run until cups are just over half full. The crema should be about 1/8" thick and a rich golden brown color. If you've done it just right, a teaspoon of sugar will rest atop the crema for about six seconds, then gently sink, one end first, like a sugary Titanic.

We're not yet greatly experienced in making cappucinos or lattes. Neither of us is big on the milky drinks. But the few attempts we've made have yielded at least decent macchiatos. Perhaps some day we will be able to make those pretty coffee-colored Rococo leaves on top of the foam. But for today, I'll enjoy our morning shots.

I scream, you scream...

Today is Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's, so be sure to swing by your local parlor and grab a lick. There must be quite a run on this, cuz their site is down this morning.

Growing up in upstate New York, not far from the Vermont border, we had a Ben & Jerry's ice cream parlor long before they went national. Being the rabid teenagers we were, our favorite pastime was to descend in a large group and order the Vermonster -- a huge punch bowl with one scoop of each flavor and a dollop of each topping. We would start out with spoons and end up with straws, sucking up the cool brown soup that resulted from the blending of dozens of flavors.

In the last decade or so, though, I think Ben & Jerry's has lost its way. They seem driven to incorporate as many and as bizarre ingredients as possible, overwhelming the ice cream itself. Personally, I like ice cream for ice cream's sake. I'll take Häagen Dazs Dulce de Leche or a good vanilla any day. I do love me some Mitchell's, and really want to hit them up for the once-annual durian creation. I'm also planning to check out La Copa Loca, on 22nd at Mission, when the weather turns warmer. I hear it's the best gelato in town.

Last year we bought a Cuisinart ice cream maker. At first we attempted only sorbets, as we assumed they would be easier than ice creams. Turns out that's not the way it works. If you don't get the balance of sugar just right, you end up with either a syrupy goo or giant popsicle. The fat in ice cream helps prevent overfreezing. We'll try it again as it warms up. Once we master that, I'll go all Iron Chef and start making ice cream out of foie gras or salmon roe or something.

If you prefer to go more old-school, but with new-school design, check out the Ice Cream Ball (pictured), available at L.L.Bean. Just add your ingredients, and rock salt and water in the chamber, and roll like a gerbil for ice cream in just 20 minutes, allegedly. I like the iMac v.2 colors -- maybe they should call it the iScream?

And for the vegans and lactose intolerant, there is hope: Tofutti Cuties are soy-based miniature ice cream cookies that, I swear, are better than the real thing. And at just 100 calories a pop, they make for a satisfying and diet-friendly dessert. Best of all, I've seen them cropping up in more and more stores.

Now if it would just warm up outside...